Sup Motherfuckers! - Tacos, Spanish Fly, Jail & the Tranny

First and foremost I want to thank Tim for keeping the MMA Fever shop doors open with some great unique content - Tim, you do your best work after a few brews dude!

I didn't realize that MMA Fever was so damn popular even when we're acting like knobs half the time but still are able to separate the peanuts from the shit in any MMA story out there.

I suppose it's the peanut free shit nuggets (for those MMA fans with peanut allergies) that you crave and I want to let you know that the shit will continue to fly peanutless around here for quite some time.

OK, where the fuck have I been?

(WARNING: Very slight embellishments are apparent in the story you are about to read because of hallucinogens that I was under the influence of before and at the time of writing this piece.)

Well, I was resting in a Tijuana jail for a while you see, I went down there because I had a Taco craving and also went to buy some Spanish fly from a dude named Pedro. Well, little did I know that Pedro actually wasn't the dude from Napoleon Dynamite but some other Pedro who sold me some Ecstasy instead.

Yeah, I know what you're thinking... why would the best looking MMA writer in the blogosphere need Spanish fly? Well, as I told the policia, it wasn't for me (and that's all I'll say because I want to protect Colonel Balz's identity ;)

BAM!

Thrown violently into the back of the police car pushed right up next to the sweetest looking transvestite I had ever seen over 250Lbs and rushed off to jail because I couldn't come up with enough money to pay off the federales due to my recent spanish fly purchase and the cash I spent for the Corona drinking game I sponsored for Pedro for which I voted for by the way - the fucker lost too ;)

Well, a few months had passed and by the way,I made the tranny chick my bitch in jail on the first day (of course). I was finally freed when I saw Jose Canseco wandering outside the jail selling steroids to professional baseball players, MMA fighters and a bunch of dudes with "little man complex" under 5'7".

Sup Clemens, A-ROD, Shamrock & Sherk!

Yeah, Jose is a great guy but at first, I reflected on my trust for a dude named Pedro which landed my ass in jail so I was a bit skeptical about dealing with Jose "the Juice peddler" to help me with my sudden yet swift release from hell.

Suffice it to say, I was able to convince Canseco to distract the guards while I snuck up behind them amd choked them the fuck out like Ed Herman was choked against Damian Maia at UFC 83, lifeless... on the floor.

I had to utilize my inside MMA connections and knowledge to supply some names to Jose's list of MMA stars on 'Roids *cough*Lesnar*cough* which will most likely result in another Steroids exp-'Jose' book but this time, for the sport of Mixed Martial Arts.

Unfortunately, during the ruse, Canseco slipped and banged his head only to awake to take my place next to the lovely Juan-ita so he could apply the cream instead of me... err.... I mean someone else.

Jose has some time now to focus on the writing of his new book which is set for release sometime between the release of UFC 2009 and never the way that fucking video game release is going!

Did I sell out MMA?

Hell yeah, and you would too if you had to spend 3 months with some tranny dude named Juan-ita who loved to wear nothing but fishnet stockings in an 8 x 10ft cell with you because of the throbbing Mexican heat which aggravated the blisters surrounding his groin (please don't ask).

Anyway, I'm in therapy now and things are going well... ironically my therapist is named Juan Ibarra who is currently treating my psychosomatic symptoms as I am now suddenly severely allergic to Tacos, Baseball and Zovirax cream.

So in the end, fuck Tacos and Spanish fly because they don't mix well together especially with a 250Lb-fishnet-stocking-wearing-nudist-prostitute-herpes-infested-transvestite.

...and you thought your life had drama?

Shit, I miss the TV show - Prison Break.

P.S. Jose Canseco and Juan-ita are living very happily together somewhere a few hundred miles south of Albuquerque, New Mexico (which is the MMA training base for the best pound for pound MMA fighter in the world - GSP - Jackson's Submission Fighting's finest fighter and the pride of Canada, Motherfuckers!)

Yo quiero MMA!